I believe
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46: 1-3)
The devil loves to steal our joy and peace. I believe it’s no coincidence that the coronavirus became most active in the United States right before Easter – closing churches, invoking fear and stealing the unity felt by Christians around the world celebrating Resurrection Sunday.
Up until a few weeks ago, my joy was unwavering. While the mountains were quaking around me, I refused to give in to the panic and fear I saw washing over others. I know how blessed I am to have a job where I can work from home, and I’ve felt incredibly protected throughout the pandemic. My job, family, and home were all safe. I refused to give in to fear for the future.
Two weeks ago, my insulating walls came crashing down.
It all began with a text from my sister, telling me to check my email, as our father had died.
Our dad told my sister, years ago, that his family was the Army. That came as no surprise to me as I have no memory of ever living with my father and only retain a few random memories of brief interactions with him over my adult life. I’ve always known that my dad’s world was the military, rather than us. That’s who he was, and I accepted that truth long ago.
Instead, I claimed my heavenly Father as my real dad. I’ve always felt that way. No earthly father could ever compare to the love that God gives me.
Nevertheless, this was my earthly father, and the loss of anyone always brings me face-to-face with my mortality. In a time when every other news report is focusing on deaths in our country, this reality became more pronounced.
Just before dawn the next morning, I had a disturbing nightmare of being chased by a demon. I woke with a silent scream caught in my throat. I seldom have such things, but this one was vivid enough to prevent me from returning to sleep.
By the time I climbed out of bed, a jumble of thoughts had filled my head. Have I done enough with the life God has given me? What does my future hold? Does my life matter? How much longer will I be able to keep the job I have – given the current economy? What will I do if I lose my job? How long will I be able to pay my mortgage?
By the time I logged on to my computer, I was a bundle of nerves, sadness, and trepidation. I know the name of the demon in my dreams. His name was Fear.
Try as I might, the fears kept compounding inside my head. By the end of the day, I was a quivering bundle of emotions, not knowing how to get past my sadness without the grace of God.
I walked to my vegetable garden, determined to dig in the dirt, and let my thoughts go. Purposely, I clicked on my favorite Pandora station, deliberately choosing to re-engage my thoughts in contemporary Christian music.
The first song that came on was “We Believe” by the Newsboys. The lyrics follow the apostles’ creed with a powerful mantra of what we all, as Christians believe.
In this time of desperation
When all we know is doubt and fear
There is only one foundation
We believe, we believe
In this broken generation
When all is dark, You help us see
There is only one salvation
We believe, we believe
We believe in God the Father
We believe in Jesus Christ
We believe in the Holy Spirit
And He’s given us new life
We believe in the crucifixion
We believe that He conquered death
We believe in the resurrection
And He’s comin’ back again, we believe
While listening to the song, my spirit was strengthened. As I looked down at the soil in my garden, I noticed seedlings pushing up from the dirt. New growth. From what once appeared dead, new life had formed. If I didn’t believe that would happen, I wouldn’t plant seeds. If I didn’t trust God with my future, my spirit would stay in despair, underground, never pushing forward and blossoming back to life. At that moment I made a conscious decision: I would not give in to sadness and fear.
Two days later, my boss called to tell me that another workforce reduction would soon take place. My job was safe, but other positions would not be. Her call validated my earlier apprehension.
Nevertheless, God was protecting me – yet again. I would not surrender to anxiety.
Bad things happen to all of us. We are never promised a happy tomorrow. Loved ones die. We lose our jobs. Our future is uncertain. I believe everyone in the world feels this way right now.
Yet, with God, there will always be new life. He brings us out of the grave every day. We cannot live our lives in disquietude. We serve a risen Savior who is in control. He knows everything about our past, present, and future. Even the hairs of our heads are numbered (Luke 12:7). He watches over our coming and going, both now and forevermore (Psalm 121:1). God promised us that He will be with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9).
I believe that with all my heart. I believe in God, the Father. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the Holy Spirit. And He’s given me a new life. I believe.