Flawless

Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story – those He redeemed from the hand of the foe… (Psalm 107:2)

It took me over two years to get up the nerve to initiate this blog. I wanted to; I needed to, but I was afraid to begin. I am a survivor. My story needs to be told. A friend told me to create an anonymous site – but that didn’t seem right. If I was going to tell the tale, I needed to own it. Please allow me to explain.

I’m a survivor of not one but two abusive marriages. The first was physically abusive. The second was emotionally and psychologically destructive. The latter may have been worse than the former as the psychological abuse controlled my perception of reality – both in how I perceive myself and the world around me.

I’ve been desperate for love my whole life. I was always the outcast. Picture Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie trying to fit into downtown Detroit. (1) That was me.

I moved from Papillion, Nebraska to Baltimore County, Maryland, in the 6th grade. My braided pigtails and duct-tape wrapped saxophone case garnered me neither street-cred nor acceptance. Time didn’t do much to help me fit in, either. I was a total misfit. No prom date. No seat on the bus. Total rejection across the board.

I was essentially pushed into a physical relationship with the first person that took a liking to me. He wanted to sleep with me; that’s all. I thought it was love; it was no such thing. I became pregnant at 19 and essentially married the man who treated me so poorly.

It only got worse: physically, sexually, emotionally. I kept hoping he’d love me. He didn’t. I tried to be everything he wanted. I never could be. When I asked for more, he got mad and strangled me. I stopped asking for anything.

With the help of friends, I eventually left – after spending 14 years in a debilitating marriage. I took out a restraining order and prayed that all would be well.

Still desperate for love, I married the next man who told me he loved me. He turned out to be a Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: incredibly kind, at first – until he gained control of every aspect of my existence – then cruel and demoralizing. If you’ve seen “Sleeping with the Enemy,” that was my life. (2)

As long as I was “perfect” – kept a spotless house, stayed quiet, avoided friendships, never saw my family – including my children – things were “good.” I lived in a huge house, went out to eat regularly, and was “rewarded” with expensive jewelry.

If I talked about work, rejected any of the ways he hurt me in the bedroom, wanted to see my family or kids, or dressed in a way he didn’t like, Mr. Hyde would come out. Dishes would fly, dinner was thrown out, my belongings were destroyed, accusations were made, and I was told, in no uncertain terms, how selfish and arrogant I was.

When the verbal barrages ended, I was physically pushed out of the house with the door locked behind me. I spent the night with my dogs, in the garage, in the garden, on my deck, in my car – wherever I could.

The next morning, when he’d leave, I’d rush in and change my clothes to prepare for work. I’d plaster on a smile and pretend that my life was perfect. It wasn’t. Everyone – including the pastor where I worked and my family – believed that I was happy. I was – when I was away from him. I became an expert at compartmentalization.

At home, I walked on egg-shells, waiting to be told what I’d done wrong next – how much of a disappointment I was.

Still, I had God. I clung to God. God was always my salvation.

God lifted me up and told me that He loved imperfect me. God told me I didn’t have to be faultless and that it was okay to be happy. God told me I had value and that I should share my value with others.

It took a dear friend telling me that I was putting my husband above God and that it was okay to leave before I was finally able to do so.

The church doesn’t tell women that. The church says, honor your husband and stay married forever. The church never talks about abuse or control. The church never says that women shouldn’t be treated like doormats or punching bags. On such matters, the church’s silence is deafening.

And so I stayed. I stayed because I thought that’s what Christian wives do. They take it.

Since leaving for the second time, I’ve grown stronger in my faith and more dedicated to sharing God’s love with others.

Only recently, did I decide to let down my guard and start a blog. I wanted to reveal part of my past and encourage others to believe that God loves them unconditionally, no matter what anyone on earth says.

My final revelation? After I left for the second time, I changed my entire name. I needed a complete and total fresh start. I wanted no memory of those who had ever hurt me. I am brand new in Christ, and I wanted my name to reflect that.

Sara Victoria Christiansen is my chosen name, not my birth name. It means victorious, Christian daughter of the King. God loves me and gave me the ultimate victory. My name signifies who I am today.

Sara literally means Hebrew princess. Sarah was also the only woman in the Bible whose name was changed by God.

Queen Victoria was the longest-reigning monarch in Great Britain. She survived seven attempts on her life. I’m blessed to have only had a few.

I will never again let anyone or anything keep me from living as God’s beloved. The devil would delight to see my past destroy me. I won’t let him.

Instead, I now live a joyful life, as Christ intended me to. I am filled with the love of Christ and have made it my mission to share His love with others. When people ask me how I can always be so happy, I am quick to tell them, “It’s Christ in me, that you see.” My former self is gone. I now live to emanate God’s love.

My message to you, dear reader, is this. Never forget how much God loves you. Even if everyone on earth makes you feel inadequate, you will never be that. God made unique you for a special purpose. Don’t ever let anyone define who you are. You are flawless in Christ.

God sent His beloved Son to die on the cross for your sins. If you believe in Him, you can be saved – from despair, from heartache, from spiritual death. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved. His love can break through any barrier, any sorrow, anything that controls you.

No matter how deep your scars are, His blood will restore you and make you flawless.

References:

(1) Wilder, Laura Ingalls. Little House on the Prairie. Harper and Brothers. September 19, 1935.

(2) Sleeping with the Enemy. Directed by Joseph Ruben. 20th Century Fox. February 8, 1991.